


The Thing I Hate About You

by Elle Gray (LGray)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: An Ode To Dicks, Bawdy Humour, Coming Out, Couplets, Draco is actually pretty good unless he's super angry, Drunken Confessions, Epistolary, Haiku, Harry's a bit shit at poetry but he tries, Hogwarts Eighth Year, Iambic Pentameter, Inspired by: 10 Things I Hate About You, Jealousy, Lights Camera Drarry 2019, Limericks, M/M, Rhyming, Roommates, Shakespearean Sonnets, Slut-Shaming, Use of the word 'whore', acrostics, bad poetic mentions of vomit, but with poems, hungover poetry, mentions of sex acts, poetic mention of blood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-15
Updated: 2019-06-15
Packaged: 2020-01-13 17:10:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18473386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LGray/pseuds/Elle%20Gray
Summary: An epistolary of a poet and his future lover, in which Draco is annoyed, Harry is a messy little shit, Blaise is a Bad Friend, and shit goes down in a flood of gin and hot chips. Ultimately, Draco laments his inability to master his heart, and oh so dramatically falls apart.





	The Thing I Hate About You

**Author's Note:**

> Many thanks to 'Kate', about whom I hate nothing. Also to my wives.
> 
> Thank you, Mods, for all your hard work!

_Potter,_

_I've already told you a thousand times,_

_Perhaps you'll listen if it rhymes?_

_Move your Quidditch gear off the floor,_

_Or you won't own it anymore!_

_Instead you'll just own rips and slashes,_

_Or perhaps, a pile of ashes._

_-DLM_

 

ᚔ

 

F or the last time

U nbunch your pants

C hildren whine less than you

K indly mind your own business

O n my side of the room

F loor can be messy

F loor is mine

 

ᚔ

 

_S haring a room means we both contribute_

_H ow about we have a chat?_

_A nd perhaps come to an understanding?_

_R ules could be discussed_

_I ncluded with this note are suggestions_

_N ote the inclusion of:_

_G et your shit off the floor_

 

ᚔ

 

U nlike you, I don't have a stick up my arse

R eally, it must be so far up in there

A ll you do is scowl at me

D raco, chill the fuck out

I don't know what you problem is

C an you please leave me alone

K, bye

 

ᚔ

 

_An Ode to Dicks _

_You've said that I'm a dick_

_I'll take that as a compliment_

_For without the noble dong_

_Humanity would soon be gone_

_There'd be no mothers up the duff_

_No fathers left to knock them up_

_People would stop procreating_

_Pointless, fruitless, copulation_

_Nothing left but humping dry_

_I think that I would rather die_

_Cos though my love of girls is true_

_I’ll admit a love for all dicks too_

_Solid, probing, lovely cocks_

_Keep them coming lots and lots_

_I've no issue being called a dick_

_A bell-end, knob-head or a prick_

_Perhaps I'll call you something too_

_Something honest, real and true_

_Perhaps "wanker" would be a fit_

_Certainly seems appropriate_

_Considering your nocturnal fun_

_Almost every night, (each one!)_

_And you may ask how I know this_

_It's cos your silence charms are shit_

_So, see, I know you love a dick_

_At least your own, The Chosen Prick_

_Nice try, Potter, but I'm not vexed_

_Choose a better insult next_

 

ᚔ

 

You want to talk dicks

Like them in your arse, perhaps?

Join the fucking club

 

ᚔ

 

_Although I feel honoured, yes_

_You chose to share with me_

_The epic tale of your arse_

_And divergent sexuality_

 

_I didn't need any EVIDENCE_

_You unbelievable heathen_

_Your dick up his arse on my bed_

_I could've done without seeing_

 

_Do yourself, and me, a favour_

_Or I'll punch you so hard in the face_

_Do your dirty work elsewhere_

_And never again in this space_

 

_And you can fucking tell Blaise_

_I'm not his friend anymore_

_Because we had an agreement_

_And he broke it - bloody whore_

 

_And honestly, Potter, really,_

_I'm sure you can do better than him_

_All he cares about is protein shakes_

_And 'hitting it' at the gym_

 

ᚔ

 

Blaise does have protein on the brain

That's how his muscles all sustain

Big long meat-probes

Salty come-loads

He likes it twice, then twice again

 

ᚔ

 

_I'm well aware of Blaise's kinks_

_His appetites and thirsts_

_Yes, you're flavour of the week_

_But you were not his first_

 

ᚔ

 

Oh wow, jealous much?

That perhaps you've been replaced?

Cry into your shoes

 

ᚔ

 

_Not at all, you fool_

_He's no sense of commitment_

_And terrible taste_

 

ᚔ

 

Oh, so it's me then,

That's got inside you head?

Malfoy, _dearest_ , really,

You know, you could've said.

Instead of simply dreaming,

Of me inside your bed.

 

ᚔ

 

_Oh, of course, Potter,_

_My loins are all aflame_

_Douse my dick with water_

_Or kill me - it's the same_

 

_I burn, I pine, I perish_

_I exist for only you_

_I love you, need you, oh baby_

_Oh baby, it's all true_

 

_So cast your Blaise asunder_

_And say you love me more_

_But most important,_ _dearest_

_Why’s there tea cups on the floor?_

 

ᚔ

 

There's a party tomorrow at the pub

It's the only reason I cleaned up

 

ᚔ

 

_Lord, if you're hooking up with him again_

_Or perhaps some slattern witch_

_Could you please not do it in our room?_

_Go fuck on the Quidditch pitch!_

 

ᚔ

 

Instead of whinging, come with me

I'm pretty sure that they serve tea

Pack your slippers up, old man

I'll teach you to have fun again

 

ᚔ

 

_I'm sorry I was in a mood_

_I'm sorry that I ate your food_

_I'm sorry that I mocked your mate_

_I'm sorry that I punched your date_

_I'm sorry you invited me_

_I'm sorry that we had to leave_

_I'm sorry I spewed on your coat_

_I'm sorry, so I left this note_

 

ᚔ

 

Are you sorry for anything else?

Can you remember what you said?

Because I can't forget.

Your confession’s like a spider’s web

It's stuck inside my head.

 

ᚔ

 

_Can we please forget that bit?_

_I think I feel enough like shit_

 

ᚔ

 

Did you mean it?

~~Or did I dream it?~~

 

ᚔ

 

_I am not a liar_

_I am an idiot, though_

_I can't take it back_

_So can we let it go?_

_(I'd appreciate as well_

_If no one else could know)_

 

ᚔ

 

Fuck everyone else

I want you to talk to me

Can we just be real?

 

ᚔ

 

_I’ve languished in a constant state of dread_

_And looked uncounted days upon your hair_

_There lives two truths of you I wish were dead_

_One's that you hate me, two is my despair_

_My tongue will tell the anger of my heart_

_And rage against this curse of mine, the pain_

_The turmoil you have made, and not took part_

_Each glance you give me rips my breast again_

_So sit me here to bleed among the waste_

_As I'm the one in love, you see, a fool_

_For loving one so deep among distaste_

_I think I hate the most, myself, not you_

_Are you the weakness in my very heart?_

_Or was I weak right from the very start?_

 

ᚔ

 

Well, fuck - isn't that a piece of luck

Finally, your tongue's unstuck

I definitely do not hate your arse

Our room, tonight, after class

We best not fuck this up

  


**Author's Note:**

> This work is part of "Lights, Camera, Drarry" (LCDrarry), a film-, TV- and theatre-inspired Drarry fest.  
>  Creations are posted anonymously during the posting period. The creators will be revealed on [tumblr](http://lcdrarry.tumblr.com) and [AO3](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/LCDrarry2019/works) on 15 June.


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